Brennan David.

Like most of you know, I come from a family of 4. My dad, my mom, me, and my little brother. Just us, me and Brennan, all we've ever known. Well lately he's not so little...he towers over me by a good 4 inches, he's almost 18, and does all the things I do..has experienced life and love and heartache and growing up. It honestly breaks my heart and I can't even imagine what my parents are going through since he's the baby. I'm not sure why, I know getting older is just a simple part of life but it can't be happening this fast; not to MY baby brother. Anywho, I'm writing this to say: he leaves for Marine Corps boot camp in one week. Shipped to San Diego with a bible, $20, and the clothes on his back. Unable to look back, unable to back out. (Not that he would, but it's bigboy commitment time now!) I'm so proud I could pop, but at the same time who wants someone screaming at their sibling while they have ZERO contact with the outside world for 12 whole weeks? No one, especially not me. It's just really hard. So, here's all the things I've wanted to and should've said the past 17+ years...

Brennan, Lloyd, Bubba, Brodder -
I am so proud of you. The brother, son, friend, and man that you have become. Without being overly cliche, I remember the day you were born. I was so excited about my brother, and dad took me to The Nelson's to stay the night while they went to the hospital and I had to sleep with Benita because I couldn't sleep I was so anxious. I wanted to be a big sister more than anything and to this day that hasn't changed. I wouldn't change or trade anything about you or anything that you've been through. You have this ability to make me laugh about everything..mom being overly protective and sensitive, dad's hilarious humor..inside jokes..family dinners..you name it, it's funny to us. That is something I don't have with anyone else in the world and I am so thankful we do. We share the same sensitive and caring heart..you hurt when others hurt and that's something great you possess. And although you have a temper, God love you, we rarely find things to argue about. We never have really fought about anything and I would fight to the death for you..have your back on anything..and I know you would for me too. I love how opinionated you are, how you stand firm in your beliefs. How educated you are on the things you're most passionate about and how the more you get older, the more you're like daddy. You're so handsome and funny and I know that people always have a good time when they are around you. Most girls always want sisters or have brothers and still wish for sisters because girls can gossip and share clothes and all that..but not me. I'm so thankful that you're my BROTHER and that we're so close. I feel like I know so much about you and I hope you know that you can come to me anytime, day or night, with ANYTHING at all, I am here for you unconditionally. Like mom and dad have always told us, there is nothing you could do to make me love you any less. You are my whole world, Brennan, and even though you're 3 years younger than me, I look up to you more than you know. You're about to embark on a crazy and fulfilling journey and your family and friends could not be more excited and proud of you. YOU CAN DO THIS. Always remember to breathe and pray and remember, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." God promises that if you have faith even the size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains. I pray for you very often, and you have been such a good example of a Godly young man. Always remember that Jesus is the way to go and He will always provide if you're living for Him. I know it is not always the most fun and the bible says that you will be tried as a Christian, but it is ALWAYS worth it and your rewards in heaven will be great. So promise me that you will do your best, that's all I ask. I am so excited that you'll be apart of something so great. You are my hero. It takes a very special person to sacrifice civilian life to serve and protect our freedoms. You will never know the impact you are making on people and how much people look up to you for this choice that you are making, and although I am so sad that you'll be so far away and I won't be able to text you something funny on a whim, I know you are doing something SO good and that you're having a blast and succeeding more than you ever dreamt. What you are capable of with that stubborn head of yours in unending and I know you will do so great and if no one else ever has faith in you, you can count on your big sister to be your biggest fan, no matter what. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Period. You are amazing, Brennan, and you rock. I have THE coolest brother in the world and I'm so happy for this journey you're about to start. You will do great and it will fly by! You will be so happy for what you have accomplished come May, and you know we will be at your graduation with tears and signs and I'm sure dad will want to "paint his face" just like he always says he'll do, but never does. You are in soo many peoples' prayers and thoughts and with God, you will get through this with flying colors. You are turning into someone so worthy of respect and honor and love. You have been through a lot but have continued to make great decisions and I wouldn't trade any of our memories and time spent together for all the money in the world. We have been through a lot together and I wouldn't have wanted to go through it with anyone else. I'll never forget the times you sneaking into my room well after midnight to sleep on my trundle and talk about life, late night runs to taco bell, hanging out with Korby, watching Daddy Daycare, all those times were so special to me and although we're getting older and moving on in life and everything, know I'll always be a phonecall and a movie away..always. I'm never too old or too busy for my baby brother. And yep, you'll always be a baby to me. Sorry. :) I love you more than you'll ever know. You have a HUGE part of my heart that NO ONE will ever be able to replace and I don't know what I would do without you. Good luck and have fun, always remember where you came from and don't compromise. Remember how much God loves you and how He will never leave you or forsake you. Semper Fi, little brother. I'm gonna miss you so much.

All the love my heart can hold,
Bailey

Grace.

Something that I've been trying to do lately is to be more like Jesus. Live like Him and especially love like Him. I think that when you're trying to focus on something specific is when Satan targets you the most. I've always tried to treat everyone equal and be a friend to anyone, but I had forgotten how hard it was to have grace on mean people. I haven't had to deal with "mean girls" since seriously like sophomore year of high school so I had forgotten what it feels like to be targeted and the center of someone else's "humor"...and how bad it just HURTS. I don't care how old or mature you are..it still gets to you. Going to cosmetology school where it's all girls, I should've known that it would be drama but I always tried to stay out of it. Until I somehow found myself in the center of a few girls' "main conversation." And anyone who knows anything about this situation knows it was out of nowhere and wasn't because of any certain event that happened..it was just girls being, well, girls. But either way, it hurt and made it very hard to love unconditionally and happily..and to simply be nice. The Lord says to "give thanks in all things" (1 Thessalonians 5:18) but I just found myself in a pit of hatefulness right when I had made a commitment to myself to love like Jesus. So like I said, of course, Satan attacked. But at the midst of my despair and hurting heart, God proved his sovereignty once again and pulled me out of that mindset. I don't know if I should continue to be in awe of God's faithfulness or if it's bad to be surprised because I know that God will never let me down. Either way, I was layin in bed when I got a text from my dear friend Haley Schilling from back in Indiana that simply said that she loved me and missed me and was praying for me and then included this verse, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone." - Romans 12:14-18 - God is so good. Like seriously. SO GOOD. That couldn't have come at a better time.

It's just amazing how one conversation with a TRUE friend and some amazing scripture can completely change your mood and remotivate you. I have never wanted to love everyone despite how they may treat me more than now and I hope and pray that it is something that can continue. I guess I'm just really thankful for all the amazing people in my life and through this has just made me really realize how great and true friends are something to be cherished. So for anyone reading this who has stuck by my side and would never sell me out no matter what, THANK YOU.

I'm off to eat my chewy sprees (thanks Katie!) and get ready for school tomorrow. Quick post but I'm just overflowing with thankfulness for God's timing and for my bestest friends. Also, prayers for my family!! Brennan leaves for the Marine Corps boot camp for 3 months in 12 days!! Yikes. So proud of him! G'night.

Oh, and this song completely spoke to me in the car 2 mornings ago..I was in tears. So check it out. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU

Blinded.

Underground hope. The feeling of wanting it all, without admitting it; wanting life to go your way everytime when in all reality you know it's absolutely impossible. To wanting perfection so bad that you actually do something to acheive it..only to realize it's not that easy. I can't even begin to tell myself where to start or what to change, but I guess life is an opportunity. To live and to learn. To grow. To change. To accept. And to thrive. To try and twist this crazy life to your vision of perfection. We've all been in those situations where you think nothing can stop you, only to be haulted by something you never saw coming. Blinded by life..when something else goes wrong. The worst thing ever is that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you hear bad news, or something suddenly turns for the worst. In those three seconds, your whole world caves in and it's always at the worst times: when your farthest from the person you need to be closest to, when you're already sad only to feel a sadness that makes you forget the reason you were upset in the first place, or when you're completely exhausted and don't think you can handle much more. It is never worth the risk - life is about being safe I've learned - because when you risk, all you're doing is setting yourself up for heartache. I should've known.

Desires of your Heart.

My trip home this weekend to Indiana was wonderful...so short, but wonderful. I had an amazing time with friends and family and got so much accomplished for the salon. Which is still nameless. AND it's not even really a salon..cause it's only me in my little room. So maybe it's a studio? I'm not really sure. I should probably figure that out. Ha. I was home literally not even 2 full days but it was still so refreshing to see my parents and my brother and Aimee and Makinze and my Aunt Jamie (your hair looks great!!) and cousin Shea. And dinner with Morgan to discuss salon ideas and life in general which was so fun. So really I felt like the time was spent well. Full of good meals and fellowship. And I am just so ready to make Crawfordsville, IN home again. Only less than 5 weeks of school left! Absolutely crazy. It's been one heck of a journey but I am so ready to bring it to an end. I am so thankful for the encouraging and talented learning leaders who have taught me everything I know to start my career and all the crazy fun girls (and gay men) who have helped me laugh through the drama and stay focused. Paul Mitchell was really one of the best decisions of my life and I couldn't have asked for a better experience, especially in Atlanta! Being in the city everyday is something I probably won't get to experience again and it's been neat to get out of the box that is Crawfordsville for this time in my life. I do know that I will miss a lot of things about cosmetology school and all the people and the environment but I'm sooo thankful that I have a plan and new and exciting things to look forward to in my new life back home.

Another HUGE thing that I loved about being home this past weekend was going to church! I needed it so bad and I love how God knows EXACTLY what you need. The sermon preached was about prayer, which you all know is something I have been working on in my life; daily conversation with God. And something I've always struggled with is not waiting on God's timing and always wanting an answer or worrying way too much when something in my future is unclear. And with all this stuff about being done with school and moving home and relationships and frienships gone sour and such, I have been so impatient about what my next steps should be. But God is ever-faithful and I am so glad He is taking the time to answer my needs on HIS timing, not mine, which is divine and perfect. Something that was brought up in the sermon was that if God DOES already have a plan and knows everything then why should we even bother to pray? God knows our hearts which means he knows our desires already so why even take the time? It put a lot in perspective..it's that He wants the RELATIONSHIP that comes with prayer. Like this, sure our friends in life know what we like..what we don't..who we like..how we want things to work out, etc. but if we never took the time to talk and bounce ideas off our friends..that relationship would dwindle. Same with Jesus. We have to show God that we know and respect that He is in control and He knows our next breath but that we grow and feel connected to God when we pray. Not to mention the peace and comfort that come with conversation with our Maker. God does say that sometimes prayers won't be answered and that sometimes His timing isn't ours but that He will always provide for His children. Another point in the bulletin was that God will bless our life if we are persistent. If we do not grow weary or lose patience in our requests God will give us what we want. (IF our reasoning is right!!)
Psalm 34:7 says to "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." God wants to see us happy if we are living for Him. Period.

Bulletin scripture references:

* Luke 11:1-3 says, "One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished one of his disciples said, "Lord, teach us how to pray, just as John taught his disciples. And He said to them, when you pray, say, "Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread."

* Ephesians 3:20-21 says, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ever ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."

*Job 42 talks about Job doubting God but then praying for his friends and in return Christ blessing Job in the latter part of his life more than he could've ever imagined.

*Job 23 talks about how Job is confused and discouraged about things but yet he is not "silenced by the darkness."

* Isaiah 46:9-10 says, "Remeber the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, "My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please."

* James 4:3 says, "When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on pleasures."

- I hope this bulletin helped and was so good to see and read like it was for me..SUCH a great message aboout how we have to surrender our hearts to perfect God who has our futures and hearts in His hands.

If the request is wrong, God says, "No."

If the timing is wrong, God says, "Slow."

If you are wrong, God says, "Grow."

But if the request is right,

If the timing is right,

If you are right, God says, "Go."

- Bill Hybels

Hope.

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered - how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to You; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."

- Psalm 39:4-7 NLT

I'm finally letting go and actually feeling. Allowing myself to accept reality. That life isn't always a cakewalk and that some memories will always remain even against my will. That things of the future, often remind me of things of the past. That some things, though once sweet, are now bitter..and not always bittersweet. That life moves on, faster at times than others. And sometimes I just can't help my sad or hurt emotions, no matter how bright the sun is shining or even when I'm with the best of friends..and that's okay. That searching for answers in things that backfire everytime, sometimes seem like the best option, but they're not. That certain days when driving just to have quiet time are more comforting than any words that could ever be said. That sometimes no matter how hard I hope for something, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And even though I feel like everything should go my way, this is life, and that's not how life works. But that through faith and hope in an amazing, ever-present and faithful, unconditional, loving, jealous, merciful God things will always be okay.

I am so tired of rushing my life. Although it's such a short period of time I'm rushing I feel as though I am not getting what I can out of everyday God is giving me. Sure, I'm so excited to move home and start my new life (as I'm sure you all know by now..) but seriously, I'm beginning to almost feel bad for wishing my last few weeks here away. I just need to slowww down and be thankful and grateful for sunshine and laughter and friendship and experience and this season of my life...

I wrote all the above about 20 minutes ago. Everything wrong has been building up and I'm just so exhausted. I don't feel like finishing. Enjoy the happiness that was earlier. I need to say my prayers and sleeeeeep.

I miss this.

I miss my house on Country Club Road that I grew up in...the wrapping paper and gift closet I would rummage through even though it was the same stuff everytime. Stuff was piled so high I could just sit on it all and dig. I miss running around the backyard but hating being barefoot in the grass..feeling the hot trampoline and having lunch on a sheet under the sun. The time that my parents surprised me with my playhouse. The old piano in the fancy room no one ever went it. Birthday parties when all 4 grandparents would be there and together. Making up dances in my old room and taking pictures with my friends on my polaroid sticky film camera. Christmases in the family room and the cabinets behind the couch filled with books and CDs. Crying in the pantry when my parents would leave us with a babysitter..especially on New Years because Brennan and I always knew mom and dad wouldn't be home until really late. Taking bubble baths in my parents big tub and getting constant splinters on the wood floor. My mom reading Boxcar Children and BabySitters Club books in her big bed before bed. The peanut butter eggs in the fridge every Easter from Tri Kappa. Mostly I just miss having a pretty house to grow up in with a close and unconditional family there every step of the way.

I miss summer camp with best friends and meeting new ones there that you 'promise you'll visit' but never do. Hanging out in the 'bunks' with endless amounts of junkfood and friendship bracelets and secrets and staying up late. Some of my BEST memories were at Twin Lakes Camp and CIY. Never leaving the cabin at Twin Lakes to do activities because I could always convince someone that it was 'too hot out' or 'we'd have more fun inside'..I've never been one for outdoors. But the time I did spend there were so fun. CIY..Christ in Youth..at Anderson U every summer of high school with my best friend Aimee were literally the best weeks of high school. THOUSANDS of kids hyped up for Jesus. You get to forget about being pressured to do wrong or not be yourself..you learn to love your flaws and love others for theirs..you get genuine worship that strips you of any insecurity and helps you fall in love with God all over again..and you get recharged to live for the LORD with so many fun people. Just being there. Being silly. Playing games. Eating the awesome cafeteria food in hopes of seeing one of the members of Aaron Pelsue Band. Looking past any differences you had with anyone before you got there. Studying the bible and learning things you knew but never really KNEW. Moving the beds close to eachother in the dorms to make one huge bed for me and Aimee. Staying up WAY too late talking and confessing and trying to get our act together. I would do ANYTHING for one more week back there.

Well that's all. So random. But those 2 things were on my heart tonight. Alright. Peace.

Me and bubba at my old house.

My best friend Aimee. I just love her.

Big girl life.

I layed down to take a mid-afternoon nap in which I can usually fall asleep in about 10 minutes and to my surprise could NOT sleep for anything. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head. I'm going home this weekend to finalize some things for my salon, after a long snow-break I start another long week at Paul Mitchell in the morning, I have many decisions to make, and I often find myself caring a little too much about what others think. And the more I really think about it, I have to do what is honoring to God and what makes ME happy. Not what looks best, or what others would do. I truly think that's the only way to live. Now to practice that...

But one thing I always have to remember is that if I am doing what is pleasing to the Lord, He will never judge me for my personal decisions and He will give me the true desires of my heart. That is so comforting. I think a lot of people often get the idea that Jesus has a set way of seeing things..an EXACT way of how we should live...BUT free-will as humans doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think that since the fall of man created free-will it is looked upon as people making mistakes, BUT it simply doesn't have to be that way. Life is supposed to be fun and satisfying and creative. I am so excited to start making important life decisions how I want to. I am constantly praying for confidence in myself and following my heart will not be a challenge.

I truly can't wait to get home this weekend and see my family and friends. I also never thought I would get so excited about paint colors and furniture and all those big girl things I get to decide for my salon..which is still nameless. I have a few ideas but nothing that's really speaking to me yet. Bummer. It'll come though..I have some time. And when I get back from IN next Monday, I'll only have about a month of school left before it's time to move home for good! How exciting. Not quite looking forward to packing everything up, leaving my friends here and a 10 hour car ride..but it will be exciting nonetheless. I honestly still can't believe God is leading me BACK to my hometown, but like they say, home is where the heart is! I am just so happy that I am at PEACE with all these decisions and that I am excited to start working. I find it a HUGE blessing that I get to do something I love everyday as my career..I feel like most people get a general idea of what they like to do but at the end of the day they aren't truly happy going to work everyday and I am confident that I will indeed enjoy waking up everyday for my job and getting to work with people and give them confidence. This has been such a good season of my life here in Georgia but it's just time to go home. And I am so happy.

Time for dinner..and highlighting Katie's hair..and The Bachelor..and being so thankful for all the people and places and experience and education and LOVE in my life. I am one blessed little girl who has an amazing Savior who is more faithful and unconditional than I could ever deserve. Soli Deo Gloria: to God alone be the glory. And always remember, the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJwt12hK_4&feature=related