Blinded.

Underground hope. The feeling of wanting it all, without admitting it; wanting life to go your way everytime when in all reality you know it's absolutely impossible. To wanting perfection so bad that you actually do something to acheive it..only to realize it's not that easy. I can't even begin to tell myself where to start or what to change, but I guess life is an opportunity. To live and to learn. To grow. To change. To accept. And to thrive. To try and twist this crazy life to your vision of perfection. We've all been in those situations where you think nothing can stop you, only to be haulted by something you never saw coming. Blinded by life..when something else goes wrong. The worst thing ever is that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you hear bad news, or something suddenly turns for the worst. In those three seconds, your whole world caves in and it's always at the worst times: when your farthest from the person you need to be closest to, when you're already sad only to feel a sadness that makes you forget the reason you were upset in the first place, or when you're completely exhausted and don't think you can handle much more. It is never worth the risk - life is about being safe I've learned - because when you risk, all you're doing is setting yourself up for heartache. I should've known.

Desires of your Heart.

My trip home this weekend to Indiana was wonderful...so short, but wonderful. I had an amazing time with friends and family and got so much accomplished for the salon. Which is still nameless. AND it's not even really a salon..cause it's only me in my little room. So maybe it's a studio? I'm not really sure. I should probably figure that out. Ha. I was home literally not even 2 full days but it was still so refreshing to see my parents and my brother and Aimee and Makinze and my Aunt Jamie (your hair looks great!!) and cousin Shea. And dinner with Morgan to discuss salon ideas and life in general which was so fun. So really I felt like the time was spent well. Full of good meals and fellowship. And I am just so ready to make Crawfordsville, IN home again. Only less than 5 weeks of school left! Absolutely crazy. It's been one heck of a journey but I am so ready to bring it to an end. I am so thankful for the encouraging and talented learning leaders who have taught me everything I know to start my career and all the crazy fun girls (and gay men) who have helped me laugh through the drama and stay focused. Paul Mitchell was really one of the best decisions of my life and I couldn't have asked for a better experience, especially in Atlanta! Being in the city everyday is something I probably won't get to experience again and it's been neat to get out of the box that is Crawfordsville for this time in my life. I do know that I will miss a lot of things about cosmetology school and all the people and the environment but I'm sooo thankful that I have a plan and new and exciting things to look forward to in my new life back home.

Another HUGE thing that I loved about being home this past weekend was going to church! I needed it so bad and I love how God knows EXACTLY what you need. The sermon preached was about prayer, which you all know is something I have been working on in my life; daily conversation with God. And something I've always struggled with is not waiting on God's timing and always wanting an answer or worrying way too much when something in my future is unclear. And with all this stuff about being done with school and moving home and relationships and frienships gone sour and such, I have been so impatient about what my next steps should be. But God is ever-faithful and I am so glad He is taking the time to answer my needs on HIS timing, not mine, which is divine and perfect. Something that was brought up in the sermon was that if God DOES already have a plan and knows everything then why should we even bother to pray? God knows our hearts which means he knows our desires already so why even take the time? It put a lot in perspective..it's that He wants the RELATIONSHIP that comes with prayer. Like this, sure our friends in life know what we like..what we don't..who we like..how we want things to work out, etc. but if we never took the time to talk and bounce ideas off our friends..that relationship would dwindle. Same with Jesus. We have to show God that we know and respect that He is in control and He knows our next breath but that we grow and feel connected to God when we pray. Not to mention the peace and comfort that come with conversation with our Maker. God does say that sometimes prayers won't be answered and that sometimes His timing isn't ours but that He will always provide for His children. Another point in the bulletin was that God will bless our life if we are persistent. If we do not grow weary or lose patience in our requests God will give us what we want. (IF our reasoning is right!!)
Psalm 34:7 says to "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." God wants to see us happy if we are living for Him. Period.

Bulletin scripture references:

* Luke 11:1-3 says, "One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished one of his disciples said, "Lord, teach us how to pray, just as John taught his disciples. And He said to them, when you pray, say, "Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread."

* Ephesians 3:20-21 says, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ever ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."

*Job 42 talks about Job doubting God but then praying for his friends and in return Christ blessing Job in the latter part of his life more than he could've ever imagined.

*Job 23 talks about how Job is confused and discouraged about things but yet he is not "silenced by the darkness."

* Isaiah 46:9-10 says, "Remeber the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, "My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please."

* James 4:3 says, "When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on pleasures."

- I hope this bulletin helped and was so good to see and read like it was for me..SUCH a great message aboout how we have to surrender our hearts to perfect God who has our futures and hearts in His hands.

If the request is wrong, God says, "No."

If the timing is wrong, God says, "Slow."

If you are wrong, God says, "Grow."

But if the request is right,

If the timing is right,

If you are right, God says, "Go."

- Bill Hybels

Hope.

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered - how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to You; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."

- Psalm 39:4-7 NLT

I'm finally letting go and actually feeling. Allowing myself to accept reality. That life isn't always a cakewalk and that some memories will always remain even against my will. That things of the future, often remind me of things of the past. That some things, though once sweet, are now bitter..and not always bittersweet. That life moves on, faster at times than others. And sometimes I just can't help my sad or hurt emotions, no matter how bright the sun is shining or even when I'm with the best of friends..and that's okay. That searching for answers in things that backfire everytime, sometimes seem like the best option, but they're not. That certain days when driving just to have quiet time are more comforting than any words that could ever be said. That sometimes no matter how hard I hope for something, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And even though I feel like everything should go my way, this is life, and that's not how life works. But that through faith and hope in an amazing, ever-present and faithful, unconditional, loving, jealous, merciful God things will always be okay.

I am so tired of rushing my life. Although it's such a short period of time I'm rushing I feel as though I am not getting what I can out of everyday God is giving me. Sure, I'm so excited to move home and start my new life (as I'm sure you all know by now..) but seriously, I'm beginning to almost feel bad for wishing my last few weeks here away. I just need to slowww down and be thankful and grateful for sunshine and laughter and friendship and experience and this season of my life...

I wrote all the above about 20 minutes ago. Everything wrong has been building up and I'm just so exhausted. I don't feel like finishing. Enjoy the happiness that was earlier. I need to say my prayers and sleeeeeep.

I miss this.

I miss my house on Country Club Road that I grew up in...the wrapping paper and gift closet I would rummage through even though it was the same stuff everytime. Stuff was piled so high I could just sit on it all and dig. I miss running around the backyard but hating being barefoot in the grass..feeling the hot trampoline and having lunch on a sheet under the sun. The time that my parents surprised me with my playhouse. The old piano in the fancy room no one ever went it. Birthday parties when all 4 grandparents would be there and together. Making up dances in my old room and taking pictures with my friends on my polaroid sticky film camera. Christmases in the family room and the cabinets behind the couch filled with books and CDs. Crying in the pantry when my parents would leave us with a babysitter..especially on New Years because Brennan and I always knew mom and dad wouldn't be home until really late. Taking bubble baths in my parents big tub and getting constant splinters on the wood floor. My mom reading Boxcar Children and BabySitters Club books in her big bed before bed. The peanut butter eggs in the fridge every Easter from Tri Kappa. Mostly I just miss having a pretty house to grow up in with a close and unconditional family there every step of the way.

I miss summer camp with best friends and meeting new ones there that you 'promise you'll visit' but never do. Hanging out in the 'bunks' with endless amounts of junkfood and friendship bracelets and secrets and staying up late. Some of my BEST memories were at Twin Lakes Camp and CIY. Never leaving the cabin at Twin Lakes to do activities because I could always convince someone that it was 'too hot out' or 'we'd have more fun inside'..I've never been one for outdoors. But the time I did spend there were so fun. CIY..Christ in Youth..at Anderson U every summer of high school with my best friend Aimee were literally the best weeks of high school. THOUSANDS of kids hyped up for Jesus. You get to forget about being pressured to do wrong or not be yourself..you learn to love your flaws and love others for theirs..you get genuine worship that strips you of any insecurity and helps you fall in love with God all over again..and you get recharged to live for the LORD with so many fun people. Just being there. Being silly. Playing games. Eating the awesome cafeteria food in hopes of seeing one of the members of Aaron Pelsue Band. Looking past any differences you had with anyone before you got there. Studying the bible and learning things you knew but never really KNEW. Moving the beds close to eachother in the dorms to make one huge bed for me and Aimee. Staying up WAY too late talking and confessing and trying to get our act together. I would do ANYTHING for one more week back there.

Well that's all. So random. But those 2 things were on my heart tonight. Alright. Peace.

Me and bubba at my old house.

My best friend Aimee. I just love her.

Big girl life.

I layed down to take a mid-afternoon nap in which I can usually fall asleep in about 10 minutes and to my surprise could NOT sleep for anything. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head. I'm going home this weekend to finalize some things for my salon, after a long snow-break I start another long week at Paul Mitchell in the morning, I have many decisions to make, and I often find myself caring a little too much about what others think. And the more I really think about it, I have to do what is honoring to God and what makes ME happy. Not what looks best, or what others would do. I truly think that's the only way to live. Now to practice that...

But one thing I always have to remember is that if I am doing what is pleasing to the Lord, He will never judge me for my personal decisions and He will give me the true desires of my heart. That is so comforting. I think a lot of people often get the idea that Jesus has a set way of seeing things..an EXACT way of how we should live...BUT free-will as humans doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think that since the fall of man created free-will it is looked upon as people making mistakes, BUT it simply doesn't have to be that way. Life is supposed to be fun and satisfying and creative. I am so excited to start making important life decisions how I want to. I am constantly praying for confidence in myself and following my heart will not be a challenge.

I truly can't wait to get home this weekend and see my family and friends. I also never thought I would get so excited about paint colors and furniture and all those big girl things I get to decide for my salon..which is still nameless. I have a few ideas but nothing that's really speaking to me yet. Bummer. It'll come though..I have some time. And when I get back from IN next Monday, I'll only have about a month of school left before it's time to move home for good! How exciting. Not quite looking forward to packing everything up, leaving my friends here and a 10 hour car ride..but it will be exciting nonetheless. I honestly still can't believe God is leading me BACK to my hometown, but like they say, home is where the heart is! I am just so happy that I am at PEACE with all these decisions and that I am excited to start working. I find it a HUGE blessing that I get to do something I love everyday as my career..I feel like most people get a general idea of what they like to do but at the end of the day they aren't truly happy going to work everyday and I am confident that I will indeed enjoy waking up everyday for my job and getting to work with people and give them confidence. This has been such a good season of my life here in Georgia but it's just time to go home. And I am so happy.

Time for dinner..and highlighting Katie's hair..and The Bachelor..and being so thankful for all the people and places and experience and education and LOVE in my life. I am one blessed little girl who has an amazing Savior who is more faithful and unconditional than I could ever deserve. Soli Deo Gloria: to God alone be the glory. And always remember, the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJwt12hK_4&feature=related

There's no place..

like home. I was sitting talking on the phone with my mom yesterday trying to get on the same page with all these salon plans when it dawned on me that I just needed to see her and figure this stuff out TOGETHER. So I got online and looked at tickets to fly her to GA for a few days and found some pretty good deals. She said she would get online and look later so we got off the phone and I left the rest to her. Well about 3 hours later I got a call from her saying why don't I come home for a weekend so I can see my new space and we can shop and figure out plans at home...what a BRILLIANT idea! Plus as you all know I am missing Cville and my family and friends SO bad..so looks like I'll be going to Indiana next weekend and I couldn't be more excited. God just keeps opening doors and I am so thankful.

I'm having a bit of cabin fever. This Georgia/snow/ice/cold weather thing is really odd to me, especially being from the North and all. I guess a lot of the like 5 inches of snow Georgia has gotten has turned to ice so everything and I mean EVERYTHING has been shut down. Walmart even! I didn't think that was possible..I literally though maybe the world was coming to and end. So Katie, Chris, Beckham and I have been watching endless movies..spending countless hours on facebook..cleaning..cooking..and anything else you can think of to do while you're snowed in. I've been off school for 3 days now! Tuesday-Thursday..and we're waiting to see about tomorrow..these days to rest and spend time with Katie have been GREAT but I'm ready to get back into a routine and finish school! If only we got credit for the hours we've missed this week..wishful thinking at its best!

I am still in awe of God's faithfulness. I know that I have been struggling with inner demons and just the thought of the unknown future but God has really revealed to me that I can't worry about something that hasn't even happened yet. It's stealing from the blessings God is providing NOW and in the moment. Talking to some good family friends lately, The Gangloffs, who have been going through some tough trials, I have come to realize that someone always has a bigger struggle and when you see that, you need to put effort into prayer for those hurting and let them know you are there for them instead of worrying about problems that haven't even arisen yet. It's been a huge lesson learned lately and I am thankful for the constant things God is teaching me. I have been reading Romans 12 very often lately ( http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%2012&version=NIV ) and it has been SUCH a help..I feel like it applies to several aspects of life and pertains to just about anything anyone is going through and is such an encouragement to how we should live. My favorite parts are verses 9-12 that say, "Love must be sincere, hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be JOYFUL in HOPE, PATIENT in AFFLICTION, and FAITHFUL in PRAYER.." How great is that!? Honestly. Such a wonderful reminder.

Things are really falling together and it's so good to have a God that will NEVER leave me or make me question. Again, something I love is that my God is not a God of confusion. Especially in a world of so much uncertainty it is such a comfort to know we CAN BE CERTAIN!! Of everything; of God's plan, God's will, and God's unconditional love for us.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. for His compassions they fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "the LORD is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him." - Lamentations 3:22-25

"Safe" by Phil Wickham.."when everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciW8r-5kCDY

Good things come..

for those who wait. Like I said in my last post, God has really been teaching me lessons on patience. And although I'm not as receptive as I'd like sometimes, He is proving His faithfulness and sovereignty one piece of good news at a time and I literally am so happy I could burst. I am sitting here in literal TEARS at how amazing God is.

I was browsing the endless posts of facebook last night when I came across a friend of mine, Morgan Servies-Smith, who has her own little hair salon downtown Crawfordsville with a room to rent out. I had thought to myself that surely someone had already reached out to her about this space but I thought I would just go ahead and message her for details and she was so quick to get back to me with exciting news and information. So with that said, after a few conversations between me, her and my parents we decided to formally hold the room for my own space. MY OWN SPACE. My own little salon in downtown Crawfordsville (right across from Little Mexico for those who are familiar with the area)..my hometown! It will be a booth rent deal but I'll have my own room! I'll get to work either on appointment only or I can come in and take walk-ins..I can decorate and set it up exactly how I want..decide what product and color line I would like..and basically learn how to run my own business. I am SO happy and honored to be working with Morgan and I am so happy to be in my hometown and be able to make some of my most favorite people in the world beautiful. I am in awe of the provision of my Savior and the way that His hand is in EVERYTHING I do. I have had SUCH a trying week with worrying about my living situation and school and the old roomate frustrations and wanting to be home and worrying about a job and now I know that God is laughing at me because I feel so silly for not just sitting back and trusting a little more knowing He will never leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

So now I really do sit and wait. I know that I have been so anxious for these last 6 weeks here in Georgia to fly by but now I am so excited to just chill out a little bit knowing I have something amazing to look forward to and to rest in. I really have enjoyed these 7 months of freedom that the Lord has given me. Time with one of my very best friends Katie and her precious little family, time to make decisions and think for myself and decide what I TRULY want and where I want to be, time to finish cosmetology school and time to LEARN so much about Jesus and His will for my life. There really isn't much more to be said about all this stuff other than I am cloud 9 and can't wait to start my business and get a clientelle and be around my family and friends!

Eeeeek, life is so crazy and fun. It's amazing to me how it can turn on a dime, and while it's so easy to get discouraged at a bad situation, you never know what good things will come your way. Gettin in the word and being in constant prayer has been so good for me and it has been so good for God to show through in all of this. I have obviously always been a Christian but never fully had to rely on God for everything, when I had NO IDEA where my life was going. I heard the quote once that says, "When you have nothing left but God, you realize that God is enough." Simple. God is enough to get me to amazing places and to carry me through the mud and He is more than happy to be there for us in good times and bad. What an awesome God we serve! Well thats all for now. Off to enjoy my snowday with Katie and Beckham..I already have the day off tomorrow too! Crazy what a little snow does for people in the South, but hey, I'm not complaining. :)

The song below has helped me get through all of this wondering and is SUCH a good reminder that God is faithful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=en45u0POegQ

Patience is a Virtue.

I honestly dont think I have ever been so ready to close a chapter of my life. Im gonna go ahead and admit that Ive been on and off in cosmetology school for 2 year now and the closer it gets to the end, the longer its dragging on and the more impatient I am becoming. Its just TIME. I really do think the reason I am so antsy is because I have made the decision to move home..so now its like a countdown to not only finishing school but also going back to the place that will forever be 'home' in Indiana. One week down though..plus Im going to have the opportunity to make up hours and come in extra days to knock off some time at the end which works out perfectly. But when I transferred to Paul Mitchell they could only accept 750 of my 950 already completed hours from Regency..so I technically should have been way done by now, but of course I can never get anything right the first time.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything. Good and bad. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "Give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." I know that there is a reason why it took 2 years, 2 schools 600 miles apart, and a lot of tears and frustration to get through school but sometimes I wish it were a little clearer. I just cant lose faith now that I am destined to be great at what I do. I absolutely love doing hair; making people feel beautiful and new..I dont even look at it as a job. And I think thats what 'your passion' is supposed to feel like. It really is such a blessing and Im so thankful..I JUST WANT TO BE DONE!!!!! I need to think like the little engine that could right now. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.." But then I really did think about it today and I am in my prime. Once school is over its the real world until I retire. Plus cosmetology school means hanging out with great friends every single day that I wont see much once I move home so I really do need to savor this time.

Can I just reiterate that I MISS HOME!? I could always tell what friends' house I had been at the next day by the way my clothes smelled. Know what I mean? Like when you go to someones house and its so comforting because the second you walk in the door you know exactly where youre at and that no other smell could replace that reminder of your friend and the familiarity of a place youve been to a hundred times? Yeah well friends have always said that about my house too but I obviously never thought so because I was so accustomed to it. Since moving away I had unknowingly forgotten what my house smelled like until I have gone home the past few holidays and walked in the door and breathed in comfort that made my heart melt. I literally caught myself stopping as I was walking up the stairs a few times to just take a second to relax, take a deep breath and be SO thankful for the time I had there. Yeah, I miss that. I miss that my moms laundry smells the same everytime and that since our laundry room is by the garage, you can sometimes smell the detergent when you walk from your car to the front door..I always know my moms home when I can smell laundry outside. I miss texting my brother from the other room late at night to see if hes awake only to discover hes just as bored as me and we pick a movie to watch that weve seen a million times but still laugh at. I miss my dad being hilarious at all hours of the day..cracking jokes, dancing to Flo Rida (go ahead and laugh) and letting me know how happy and thankful he is that Im home and how much hes missed me. I miss Makinze and Aimee and Haley coming over super late only to just begin the night..Makinze and I tanning at crazy hours and talking about the serious things in life and how itll always be okay..Aimee and I going through boxes of old things in my room and reminiscing about high school and how weve been through EVERYTHING together and not regretting a single moment of it..and sweet Haley being the most loyal person you could ever imagine, someone who I dont see all the time but we can still pick up right where we left off. I would die without them. I miss the relationship I had this summer. The same routine everyday. He worked and I slept in (muahaha) and then I would go see him or he would come over and we would swim or grillout with my family. We watched countless movies..played wii..just talked and had what everyone sees in movies. It was the best summer of my life. I miss driving around Crawfordsville and having memories at so many places. I miss holidays with my extended family that I only see once a year. I miss my room. I miss my moms food. I miss going out with my friends. I miss it all.

I am praying (still!!) that these next few weeks FLY by. That I get back to home as soon as possible. I honestly will miss the times Ive had here in Georgia but its time to go back to my roots and I couldnt be more excited. Im gonna need a lot of strength this next month and a half but I know theres nothing my Jesus cant get me through. I must be patient..something Im awful at..but something that God is teaching me how to be day-by-day and for that I am SO thankful...

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow tired, they will walk and not become weary." - Isaiah 40:31

"And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary." - Galatians 6:9

When my world is shaking, heaven stands.

I had such a good day. I am so thankful for the friendship I have with Katie and that we can always pick right back up where we left off. I am so thankful for the hilariousness that was Zumba class tonight and how good I felt after that much needed workout. Thankful that I am getting closer and closer to being done with school day-by-day. Thankful for all of the exciting things I get to go home to. Thankful for THE BEST family and friends you could ever imagine. Thankful for my ever-faithful savior.

I often wonder why God granted me such a blessed and amazing life when I am so undeserving. I am a sinner and my heart is selfish. But God sees through that and continues to show me how grateful I need to be for each and every single part of my life. I have parents that would go to the ends of this earth to show their support and make sure I was cared for; and that have raised me with a determined and caring spirit. I have family that is willing to give me amazing advice whenever I need it and make me laugh no matter what. I have Godly friends who would be at my beck and call to enourage and support me at any time or no matter what I needed. I have had every opportunity to do what I would like with my life and be who I want to be, to worship freely and openly and to go after my dreams. There are so many people who will never know those freedoms. I need to start looking at the big picture and how amazing my future is going to be..how amazing my present is now, whether I'm here in Georgia when I'd rather be home or not.

My whole outlook on things has been absolutely recharged and I owe it all to Christ. It is amazing what prayers can do..seriously. I talk to so many people on a daily basis that can't give me the comfort and unconditional love that God can..so why shouldn't I be in conversation with the God of provision and peace any chance I get!? I should be on my knees in prayer the SECOND doubtful or discouraging thoughts go through my head. It's mind boggling I forget to do that first. Yep, it should always be first.

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." - Psalm 9:9-10

What an amazing God I serve! Off to bed. Watch the link below for an incredible song of encouragement. Goodnight!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw

When it rains it pours.

So here I sit again at 12:54am when I have to be up at 5:40. Why oh why can't my little brain just STOP overanalyzing and just let me rest?! It seemed as though things were looking up for me this week as my time at Paul Mitchell is coming to an end and my move home is highly anticipated..but then all of a sudden life throws me curveballs. Shocker. Without details, I'm moving back to Katies (which I really am happy about, I love you Katie!!) but it was really sudden and without reason..and of course after I bought my tanning/gym membership back where I was living. I also realized how much I will have to get done in these last 6 weeks at school, find the time to move everything back to Katies, start packing up to move home, study for State Boards back in Indiana annnd maintain my sanity. Although this may not sound like a lot..it really is. I feel like all I ever do is drive..over and hour to and from school everyday, back and forth from Dallas to Locust Grove which is about 2 hours..and then everywhere else I need to go. If it seems like I'm complaining..I AM..because this is my blog and I can!! But really it's not so much complaining, but more venting about all the things on my heart right now.

It's not that I doubt that I can get it all done, but it's the worry that consumes me. But Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Thus to anticipate future troubles is to doubt God's plan and will for my life. And though troubles may visit daily, so does Christ. And it is by His grace that I will be able to get through this rough patch, learn from these troubles and be strengthened by this journey. That is a blessing in itself. Just by writing this I have been given rejuvenation and peace and am remembering that God knows my every move and has even my next breath in His plan. I just have to face these trials head on and get through them. Although right now it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel I need to take it ONE DAY at a time. Life is precious and I need to savor every moment, difficult or not, for it is shaping and molding me into the person I need to be for my upcoming triumph over school and difficulties I am facing now.

It never ceases to amaze me that when I am at my worst it literally feels like God is shaking me to wake me up and TRUST HIM. Trust that I am exactly where I need to be, I am capable and more motivated than I think, and that I can do this. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. This post quickly turned from discouraged to encouraged and that alone proves God's sovereignty and how much He cares for me and wants nothing but good things for His children even when we doubt. I'm off to sleep a comforted peace. (Although I still want my bed at home and my momma more than anything!)

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." - Psalm 118:8

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great ENDURANCE and PATIENCE, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." - Colossians 1:10-12

It's 2:39am

...and I'm still awake. And guess what? I have to be up at 5:30 to start another week at Paul Mitchell. Not to say I'm not excited to get back into a routine but this whole 'time off' thing has completely wrecked my sleep schedule as I'm biased to staying up way too late and sleeping in way too long everytime I get the chance. Awful routine to continue until the night before I go back.

So I've tried saying my prayers, which usually works but I guess I was just wide awake..reading countless Texts From Last Night..perousing facebook..and simply closing my eyes and waiting as I was told "always works" by the wise Brady Young..but even his advice has failed me. So here I sit listening to William Fitzsimmons (check him out) with a powerade wondering how the heck I'm going to function here in about 3 hours. Oh, joy!

Hmm..I bought a gym membership today! For all those reading who know me, I'm almost positive you just passed out mid-read. Yes, I, Bailey Ranard, joined a gym. For those who don't know me..I hatee working out and would rather sit on the couch and watch E! than even begin to think about treadmills, weights, and sweating. But I had a rather funny moment in the airport last week when I had to run to catch my flight and found myself completely worn out and exhausted after about 3 minutes of frantic jogging. That right there did it for me. I need to get in shape! I don't want to lose weight or anything..but just tone up and be prepared for any close-call flights in my future. So I'm actually motivated for once. I bought a tanning package and even tried to buy healthy food at the grocery tonight too..here's to a new me! Good way to start the new year, I'd say. So my first workout rendezvous starts tomorrow..complete with a Zumba class, which I've actually done before and love..so wish me luck!

I'm still amazed at the amount of peace Christ has granted me over the last week. Everything seems to be falling into place. Like I said yesterday, I have so much to look forward to in regards to my humble return to Crawfordsville. I am so thrilled to have a job lined up in a salon that will be starting up at the end of my dad's Workforce Plus building and I will be working off booth rent which means I will be able to have my own station, work my own hours, use whatever product line I would like, and name my own prices. What a huge blessing. Plus the idea of being around the people I love most in this world is just so exciting. God is so good. Pleaseeee next 6 weeks hurrrry up!!

Alright, if I don't attempt sleep at least a little I clearly won't be able to stay awake tomorrow. So here I go again. Maybe I'll try counting sheep...

Goodnight. xo. Psalm 34.

Do you ever feel...

everything and nothing at all? Like you're finally doing the right thing and things are starting to look perfect only to still feel..a void. Like something actually isn't right. I've always thought Georgia is where I wanted to be; warm weather, good friends, freedom, new opportunity. But actually it's just a place I want to be vacation again. But do I succumb to the magnetism that is Crawfordsville, Indiana and move back after I GOT OUT? I left my small town with hopes of never looking back...wrong.

I have never been so conflicted in all my life about a decision. I was so set on coming here and having it be all that I've ever wanted. Not to say that it's not been amazing because I finally got on the right track with school (only 6 weeks left!!) and spent unforgettable times with friends and even made new ones but it's just not HOME. Everyone always says to move and go experience new places and people and such when "you're young and not tied down" but the more I think about it..that's wrong. I feel as though you should spend as much time with your family and familiarity while you still can. I had a friend who married young once tell me that marriage and growing up is so weird because there comes a time when you can't just run home and stay at momma and daddy's when everything is going wrong..and you can't just forget the responsibilities of your own home and husband when you want to have a silly girls night out. All these things are for now..when you're independent and free. How I am now. I need my momma when times are tough. I need my best girlfriends to be able to go get slushies at 2:00am and then talk all night. I need that. I NEED Crawfordsville, Indiana.

Still the decision lies ahead! Although I have great reason for moving home (a job lined up, friends, family, a few bribaries from my parents, haha..) I wonder if I'll get home and get bored. Miss this crazy fast-paced life in Georgia..all the fun times and new friends and relationships I've developed. But I just have to remember what my heart tells me. I was having a heart-to-heart with my precious and wise mother on the way back to the airport on friday night just about how I was so torn. There's a little more to all of it and to why it's so hard but I'll spare you my girl drama. :) And she told me one thing that is so VERY important that I had forgotten about : Our God is NOT a God of confusion. He will always direct your path. I've been so impatient waiting on an answer for my future because honestly I've been in more prayer the past 2 weeks than EVER in my life before with little to no REAL assurance of what was going to happen. But I do have to step back, reevaluate and remember that my merciful and ever-knowing God will not leave me in the dark. And for that I am so thankful. God is constantly teaching me lessons in patience because it is something I lack so much of. What an amazing provider my Savior is.

So for now I wait. :) And follow my heart. My dad always told me to do everything for the glory of God..so I'm gonna soldier on, kick butt these last few weeks of school and prepare for a new life back home (if that's even possible..) filled with late night talks with my mother, sitting on my kitchen counter and tanning at 4am with the 3 best girlfriends God could have given me, endless laughs with my baby brother (who leaves for Marine boot camp in February by the way, but I can't even think about that right now..prayers people!!), dinners with my hilarious dad, rekindling old relationships that should never have been torn apart in the first place, getting back into regularly attending church, and just the love and compassion of all that I know and call HOME. Thank you, Jesus, for peace.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with ALL your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13